Inept, unprepared: This is a recording

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Every week, the 49ers play exactly the same game. The elements are distinctly clear.

Quarterback Alex Smith tries to throw to his receivers, but the passes are either over their heads or at their feet or so far from anyone, you whack your head in disbelief.

Or he never gets a chance to throw.

That's because defenders run over and around his pass protection and grab him by the jersey and yank the jersey so hard you can see the fair white skin of his shoulder.

Often, defenders slap the ball out of Smith's defenseless hand and he fumbles.

And he has passes knocked down at the line of scrimmage by the ton.

Or the offense gets called for delay of game.

Or offensive coordinator Jim Hostler comes up with a dumb game plan.

After Monday's game, tight end Vernon Davis, the Niners' biggest threat, who had two balls thrown his way, complained, "We didn't attack them the way we should."

Or the offense pushes the ball to the opponent's 1-yard line but can't score a touchdown because coach Mike Nolan sends poor overworked Frank Gore right up the middle and the defense and everyone in the world knows that's the play and it gets stuffed.

The Niner offense specializes in going three and out -- San Francisco had exactly one first down in the first half and that came on the final play. And Andy Lee punts a lot and he punts well. All of these distinctly 49er elements, and plenty more, figured in the game Monday night against the Seahawks.

The defense has its own formula. It tries to rush the passer -- honest, it does -- but it can't get anywhere, sort of trots in place, and the opposing quarterback (you can fill in the name here) has years -- centuries -- to stare down every one of his receivers. Heck, he has time to plan his post-game meal down to Caesar or Greek salad and white or red wine.

This opposing quarterback hits his receivers with alarming regularity and the opposing running backs rack up big gains.

The Niners get penalized for having 12 men on the field and they carelessly waste their timeouts.

And the opposing fans laugh at them and in the press box you hear groans. And then the Niners lose.

Every week, the 49ers give the appearance of not being ready to play, of having cashed in the season long ago.

You want examples from Monday's classic?

Late in the first quarter, the 49ers got called for three offensive penalties in a row -- pass interference, false start, false start. It was all so dreary and, frankly, unprofessional. The Niners are always ragged now, lacking in direction and, let's face it, incompetent. You lay this ineptitude, this embarrassment at Nolan's feet and, even though you like him, you hold him accountable. You must.

And afterward, the Niners always say the same things, like an old tape that replays and replays. On Monday, Nolan said, yet again, the team practices hard, "the attitude is great at our place." As if that's relevant.

And Smith acted brave and stoic, saying, "No one said this would be easy. We have to look inward." Whatever that means.

So what gives with the Niners? I'm convinced they ticked off some spiteful deity who forces them to replay the same game week after week. It's as if they are living through the movie "Groundhog Day." Yes, that's it. The 49ers are the Groundhog Day team.

You remember "Groundhog Day." Bill Murray had to re-live the same day again and again until he got it right. Well, until they get it right, the Niners are doomed to play this one awful game every week for the rest of their lives.

"Groundhog Day," the movie, was funny. Groundhog Day, the team, isn't.

You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at 521-5486 or lowell.cohn@pressdemocrat.com.