Only life we can control is our own

<p>My diabetic friend was devouring an ice cream bar the other day. His wife said, "Hey – you're not supposed to be eating that stuff – you're diabetic!"</p><p>He laughed and said, "I took my meds this morning. I figure if I take my pills I can eat anything I want."</p><p>She shook her head and confided in me, "I just know I'm going to get stuck taking care of him instead of traveling when we retire. And then all our money will be used up on medical bills. I don't know what to do!"</p><p>When it is your spouse who is neglecting their health and refusing to change, the problem is personal. Their decisions affect your own quality of life and yet you have very little control. This type of problem can literally come between people, to the point that the concerned spouse actually leaves the relationship. You love them, you worry, and at the same time you resent their choices that affect your own.</p><p>What can you do? You can express your fears: "Honey, I'm so looking forward to retirement and having the opportunity to enjoy those years. If you have a stroke or a heart attack, I'm afraid that all our retirement savings will go to medical bills and long-term care costs. It sure would be good if we could try to avoid that kind of situation. Besides, watching you abuse yourself is just not that attractive."</p><p>But while it may be good to articulate your concerns, don't expect change to happen just because you ask for it. Human behavior is much more complicated than that.</p><p>Remember: No one person can directly change another person's behavior. All attempts to nag and cajole and threaten only leave everyone frustrated and estranged. But ignoring the issue is like ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room, and that, too, leads to hostility.</p><p>So what options do you have? Readiness to change is crucial. People who are not yet ready to alter a specific behavior only focus on why they are unable to make that change. And most people can only succeed with one issue at a time. The general expectation to "start living a healthy lifestyle" is unrealistic and a setup for failure, but readiness to make one single change is a recipe for success. While your spouse may be prepared to start exercising, the smoking issue just might not be on the table yet.</p><p>Does your loved one want to change? Does he think he can? If the answers to these questions are, "No, not really," then it's just not going to happen.</p><p>Next, consider why harmful behavior persists even when we know it's killing us. Most unhealthy habits start out as a response to stress; smoking and comfort eating are two good examples. Look at the unhealthy behavior and try to understand that it often started out as a short-term stress release. Acknowledging stressors may help you and your partner find a healthier and more effective way to fill this legitimate need.</p><p>What can you do if your spouse is completely resistant, in spite of your clearly voiced fears, displeasure and concerns? Your only recourse is to change your own behavior.</p><p>Study results released in July of this year from Health Services Research found that when one spouse modified his or her behavior, the other spouse was likely to adjust his or her own behavior accordingly. So by changing your behavior you can affect your spouse (unless you nag, criticize, or give them other good reasons to resist).</p><p>Decide on one aspect of your life that you are ready to change and make a daily plan to alter your old habits. Take care of yourself, avoid preaching and nagging, and reap the healthy benefits of your personal efforts.</p><p>You may find that your choices are affecting your spouse, but don't hold your breath. Instead, breathe deeply and know you are doing all you can. When your spouse is finally ready to change, you're more likely to still be there to offer the support they'll need.</p><p>Dr. Stacey Kerr, a longtime Sonoma County family physician, graduated from UC Davis Medical School and is certified in her specialty by the American Board of Family Medicine. Her columns are not intended as a substitute for hands-on medical advice or treatment. Consult your health care provider before adhering to any recommendations in this column. E-mail comments to drkerr@the- doctors-inn.com.</p>