Some gays ambivalent about marriage

In the weeks since the California Supreme Court's historic ruling to allow same-sex marriage, gay men and lesbians have hugged, kissed, popped bottles of bubbly and danced in the streets.

Some have also looked themselves in the mirror and asked, "I do?"

Beneath the widespread community euphoria at having the right to marry lies some individual ambivalence about actually doing so.

Yes, there will be a rush of weddings beginning today, the day the court ruling goes into effect. But there will also be questions, though not always voiced aloud.

Is this the right person? Is this the right time? Is marriage right for me? "Up until now, we've never had to think about those questions," said the Rev. Neil Thomas, senior pastor at Metropolitan Community Church Los Angeles, which was founded to minister to the gay community when many mainstream churches wouldn't.

Gay couples have long held commitment ceremonies, registered as domestic partners or just grown old together in lifelong, committed relationships.

But marriage? "In a sense, it changes nothing," said Jeffrey Chernin, a family therapist. "But in another sense, it changes everything."

Some couples welcome the change. Ron Elecciri, who works in television development, and his partner of 11 years, attorney Andy Birnbaum, have been waiting for this ruling since the high court nullified their 2004 San Francisco marriage and those of 4,000 other same-sex couples.

The court at the time said that the city lacked the authority to violate the 2000 state proposition banning gay marriage; its May 15 ruling found that ban unconstitutional.

"Both Andy and I did not hesitate to say we're going to be married again," said Elecciri, 43. "The only decision we're not together on is whether we want a big wedding reception or not."

Birnbaum, 38, wants a small one. Elecciri wants to see their families and all of their friends from throughout their lives in the same room -- something they didn't do when they married in San Francisco or when they registered as domestic partners.

Other couples face bigger divides than the size of the wedding.

Marcy Israel, a San Luis Obispo wedding photographer, would like to marry her partner of 13 years now that she finally can. But she knows her partner is not as enthusiastic.

"We haven't had a real in-depth discussion yet, but she questions the whole idea of marriage for anyone," Israel said.

She said her partner "feels no need of outward reinforcement for what she feels." Israel, on the other hand, is "more romantic and also more political. I feel that the more gay couples in committed relationships who take this step, the harder it will be to say sorry, you hundred thousand people, but you're no longer married."

One West Hollywood professional said that even though he has been with his partner for seven years, and they're shopping for a house together, "there's a little ambivalence about marriage."

"It all came up so suddenly," said the man, who asked not to be identified because he is reluctant to have intimate details of his personal life "popping up on Google."

"Straight people enter into dating and courtship with marriage always out there as a possibility throughout the relationship," he said. "It wasn't even a possibility for us, and then all of a sudden there's this looming question: Do we want to get married? It's this whole new commitment I hadn't really thought about."

For gay couples, he said, the decision carries pressure to act quickly, since marriage will no longer be an option if a California constitutional amendment banning same-sex marriage passes in November.

"I think this whole marriage thing is causing more anxiety and fights among gay couples than anything has before," he said.

If the experience of gay-marriage pioneers in the Netherlands and Massachusetts is any guide, those who marry in California will be for the most part longtime couples in their 40s and 50s.

Surveys have found that the younger they are, the more enthusiastic gay men and lesbians tend to be about marriage. But it's often later in life, when practical and legal considerations concerning having children or buying property come into play, that people take the leap.In the Netherlands and Massachusetts, people's views on marriage shifted over time, Badgett said. Lesbians, for example, began to think how marriage between two women -- or two men -- could change an institution they considered inequitable.

(Optional add end) Perhaps because he runs adult education programs and coming-out groups for the L.A. Gay & Lesbian Center, Ruben Romo is comfortable with the idea of taking his time and sorting out his feelings.

Romo, 41, and his partner, Mark Beaty, 40, the center's grants manager, have been together five years, but they took each step slowly. Romo had a rule that he'd only move in with someone after the relationship had lasted a year. Then he found out that Beaty's rule was two years. Three years passed before they finally set up house.

"There's no question in my mind that at some point we'll get married," Romo said. "But we've seen people make that decision without giving it the weight we think it deserves. We see marriage as something we take incredibly seriously."