Zito's wearing short shorts, and he's all a-Twitter

"Hey there! Barry Zito is using Twitter.”

That’s what it says if you go to Barry Zito’s Twitter page.

I’m a Twitter moron, never Twittered in my life, wouldn’t know how if Twitter kissed me on the cheek. What does Twitter mean, anyway, and who thought up the name?

But I am attracted to Zito’s Twitter because I want an insight into this special man, want to experience his depth and complexity. Here are typical Zito Twitters. See what you think. I leave his spelling and grammar unedited.

“eating taco’s at dos gringos!” 3:36 PM Mar 16th from mobile web

Move over, Shakespeare.

I take from this five-word Twitter entry that Zito is eating tacos at Dos Gringos. From the all-important exclamation point I understand he’s excited about something. Perhaps he likes tacos or Dos Gringos or he just likes to eat or he likes to Twitter about eating.

I understand he is so excited that he wants to share this with us. I also understand famous people think anything they do — going to the mall, tying their shoelaces, blowing their noses — is of interest to common slobs like you and me. At least he could have told us what kind of tacos they were and if they tasted good.

“I’m wondering always if microwaves are really that bad for us, the part of me that needs to spend 25 min not using the oven says no.” 2:05 PM Mar 17th from mobile web.

I take from this Zito doesn’t like to cook. He may be a frozen-food guy. He thinks this nugget is so profound he needed to tell us about it. (Husband to wife after reading this Twitter: “Gladys, Barry uses a microwave. Let’s throw the Wolf range out the window.”)

“Been into new and old Ne-Yo lately, and wearing short shorts to the pool.” 12:36 PM Mar 18th from mobile web

Barry is wearing short shorts to the pool. Barry thinks deeply about his clothes.

“Got a pair of Heely’s today (those wheel shoes thingies)...one step closer on the journey of being more childlike.” 4:49 PM Mar 19th from mobile web.

Oh, where to begin? I have no idea what Heelys are and don’t want to know. But I know this. Zito wants to be more childlike. He sees a virtue in being childlike — probably thinks children are innocent and uncorrupted and experience the pure essence of life.

In this Zito is a child of Jean-Jacques Rousseau. (It would be cool if Zito Twittered about Rousseau.)

One thing, though: If Zito wants to be a child why did he accept $126 million from the Giants? The Giants clearly thought they were getting a grown man in Zito, someone who could stand up to pressure and deliver. Now we learn he’s a child. Maybe that explains his record with the Giants.

“just pitched and it’s gettin hot in AZ. Destination sun tan!” 2:54 PM Mar 20th from mobile web.

Destination suntan? Is this really what Zito thinks about — his tan? Is this where his mind is at?

He sounds like a perpetual valley kid. Can you imagine 45-year-old and future Hall of Famer Randy Johnson, after throwing fastballs at batters’ heads and grinding out a tough win, writing “destination sun tan?”

“how does it happen that the best experiences are always the one’s that are free? a good laugh, a warm embrace, a day in nature.” 12:01 PM Mar 22nd from mobile web.

Excuse me a minute. Reading that entry, I almost came down with a case of sugar diabetes. The New Yorker in me asks a question: How does Zito have the nerve to talk about the best things being free after he became a bloated millionaire with the Giants and never once came through? Maybe he should think a grown-up thought, like how important — even ethical — it is to earn his paycheck.

“feeling recharged after a day in LA. I love how the city buzzes with creativity and the courage to follow ‘unrealistic dreams’ 10:59 AM Mar 26th from mobile web.

Here we go again. Barry wants to be in L.A. Barry wants to follow unrealistic dreams. Barry wants to be a child. Barry wants to escape from who, what and where he is. Barry also wants to get paid. He’s not that unrealistic. Advice to Barry: Think about following the unrealistic dream of winning 20 games.

“is wearing yellow corderoy short shorts to the pool vintage or cheesy? Hmmm 1:45 PM Mar 28th from mobile web

Double Hmmm.

I want to point out Twitter rhymes with jitter, titter, bitter and quitter. It also rhymes with hitter, and Zito’s relationship to the hitter has been problematic. If you look closely at the word Twitter you also find Twit.

For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular go to the Cohn Zohn at blog.pressdemocrat.com/cohn. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at 521-5486 or lowell.cohn@pressdemocrat.com.