One nation, but not so indivisible anymore
Published: Tuesday, November 20, 2012 at 3:48 p.m.
Last Modified: Tuesday, November 20, 2012 at 3:48 p.m.
We wish you the best of luck with this. We feel your pain. If we can speak frankly, it’s been coming for a long, long time.
We’ll keep the West Coast, Nevada and Hawaii, New York, the rest of the Northeast and all the other states that turned blue on election night. You guys get Texas, Mississippi, the rest of the Confederacy and all the other states that turned red on election night. Alaska can do whatever it wants. It does what it wants anyway.
One caveat here. We’ve been asked by the citizens of Austin, Texas, to give them sanctuary, so we’ll keep Austin as a territorial protectorate, along with Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands and Samoa, and you can have Key West.
We get Meryl Streep, Woody Allen, Bill Maher, Katy Perry and Jerry Seinfeld, and you get Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy, the Osmonds, Larry the Cable Guy and all the NASCAR people. We’ll split custody of the NFL and the NBA
We get Bill and Hillary, Jennifer Granholm, the Obamas, Elizabeth Warren and the new Kennedy kid, and you get Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, Jim DeMint, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and Todd Akin.
And no hard feelings, but what this means is that we’ll own 86 percent of America’s venture capital and have 92 percent of the young entrepreneurs. For the first time ever, we’ll get to keep 100 percent of our tax revenue (go ahead, look it up), and for the first time ever you’ll get the satisfaction of paying for your own schools, hospitals, military bases, bridges, highways, dams and flood control. This may strike you as a real hardship, but trust us on this one: Paying for your own stuff can be incredibly rewarding.
Just so there aren’t any surprises, when this divorce is final, the blue states (we haven’t settled on a name yet) are going to be pro-choice, anti-war. We’ll own most of the country’s fresh water, 95 percent of the best wines, most of the cheese and natural gas and low-sulfur coal, all of the redwoods, most of the pine forests, the best beaches and stem cell research.
Of course, you also get 99 percent of the Southern Baptists, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, most of the mosquitoes and the obese people (and all of their health care costs), 96 percent of the televangelists, Fox News, Rush Limbaugh and Dick Morris.
One more thing. We’re taking the good weed. The pot they grow down around Chihuahua, Mexico, is all yours. And while we’re on that subject, the southern border is yours too, except the California and New Mexico parts
What’s left to say that hasn’t been said? Fact is, this was never going to work. Most of you folks believe that climate change is a lot of hooey and Earth was made in seven days, 6,000 years ago. We just can’t go there. But we gave it a shot! Two hundred years is a long time to beat your head against the brick wall of an unhappy marriage.
A lot of historians have argued that we would have been a whole lot better off going our separate ways in 1861. Sure, Abe Lincoln was a Republican then, but today he’d be as blue as the ocean. He tried. He thought we could transcend our differences and learn to live with one another.
Even the Lincolns of the world make mistakes. It’s time to move on. We wish you well, and let us know how it’s working out.
Paul VanDevelder is a journalist, screenwriter and author
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