<WC1>We in the blue states hear from the talking heads on Fox News and MSNBC that many of you in the red states are so distressed about the outcome of the elections that you would like to secede from the Union. Now, it seems that at least six of you <WC>—<WC1> Texas, Louisiana, Alabama, Tennessee, Georgia and North Carolina <WC>—<WC1> have submitted enough signatures (25,000) on petitions to the White House website to merit a formal response, with more petitions on the way.
We wish you the best of luck with this. We feel your pain. If we can speak frankly, it's been coming for a long, long time.<WC>
<WC1>The question now is: What's next?<WC>
<WC1>First, we're happy to report that most people here in Oregon, Washington and California think you<WC>'<WC1>re really on to something. This marriage has run its course. Too many niggling little things built up over time, driving us all crazy. So let's just stop. It's time to divvy up the china and draft a property settlement. In the spirit of fairness and goodwill, we propose the following as a starting point.
We'll keep the West Coast, Nevada and Hawaii, New York, the rest of the Northeast and all the other states that turned blue on election night. You guys get Texas, Mississippi, the rest of the Confederacy and all the other states that turned red on election night. Alaska can do whatever it wants. It does what it wants anyway.
One caveat here. We've been asked by the citizens of Austin, Texas, to give them sanctuary, so we'll keep Austin as a territorial protectorate, along with Guam, Puerto Rico, the Virgin Islands and Samoa, and you can have Key West.
We get Meryl Streep, Woody Allen, Bill Maher, Katy Perry and Jerry Seinfeld, and you get Ron White, Jeff Foxworthy, the Osmonds, Larry the Cable Guy and all the NASCAR people. We'll split custody of the NFL and the NBA <WC>—<WC1> alternating years, with monthly visitation.
We get Bill and Hillary, Jennifer Granholm, the Obamas, Elizabeth Warren and the new Kennedy kid, and you get Rick Perry, Sarah Palin, Bobby Jindal, Jim DeMint, Mitch McConnell, Lindsey Graham and Todd Akin.<WC>
<WC1>Also, we get all the lobster, salmon and clam chowder<WC>, <WC1>and you get all the shrimp, grits, fried chicken, corn pone and dumplings. (We'll get over it.) And just so there's no confusion, we get the Statue of Liberty, the Cascades, Yosemite, Joshua Tree, Disneyland and Hollywood. You get Opryland, Dollywood, the Smokies, Six Flags Over Texas and Branson. We agree to split the Grand Canyon (you get the south rim, we get the north).<WC>
<WC1>And while we're at it, we get Intel, Apple, Twitter and Google; you get Halliburton, Enron and Dell (good luck with that).
And no hard feelings, but what this means is that we'll own 86 percent of America's venture capital and have 92 percent of the young entrepreneurs. For the first time ever, we'll get to keep 100 percent of our tax revenue (go ahead, look it up), and for the first time ever you'll get the satisfaction of paying for your own schools, hospitals, military bases, bridges, highways, dams and flood control. This may strike you as a real hardship, but trust us on this one: Paying for your own stuff can be incredibly rewarding.