Straight Talk: Anatomy of the high school party scene

Dear Straight Talk: My daughter, 17, and her friends are getting ready for the big Halloween party, swapping clothes and creating costumes. My problem isn't the costumes being too racy as I've read about in Straight Talk (though this could become an issue). The problem is the party. It's at a household where the single father is often absentee. When I expressed doubts, my daughter furiously informed me that ALL parties are where parents are gone. And do I want her to have NO social life? My daughter is pretty responsible. What's the typical party scene? Are parents usually absent? Are there usually drugs and alcohol?

Mom in Vacaville

Alira, 17, Novato: Last night, my friends and I went to a party assuming parents would be home and there'd be simple socializing. Well, I was surrounded by people I've never met and substances I've never seen. The more people came, the more drugs and alcohol showed up. It was super uncomfortable. We left early, completely sober and glad to be leaving. My small school has really fun parties with dancing, swimming, cake, laughing and no substances whatsoever. It's sad last night's party is the norm and teens can't have fun unless under the influence.

Collin, 17, San Diego: If your daughter makes good decisions, let her go. In my experience, high school parties rarely involve anything you can't avoid using common sense. The ones I've been to involved eating, talking, eating, maybe dancing and some couples making out. No drugs or alcohol. Food and socializing is enough to drive the party. She's near 18, some real-world practice is good.

Breele, 20, Dana Point: Best assumption: No supervision. Sure, there are some innocent parties, but most have alcohol, weed, and sometimes cocaine, Ecstasy, Molly (falsely-branded 'pure' MDMA – more about Molly on our website), and roofies (date-rape drugs). Fortunately, I was either unaware, uninterested, or lucky. Even as a 'good kid', your daughter might drink, inhale, throw up, pass out, who knows? The longer kids avoid the party scene the better, but around 17, kids are harder to sit on. Explain the dangers and tell her to call you if needed.

Maddie, 15, Cotati: Sometimes parents are home, sometimes not. Yes, most parties involve alcohol and drugs — but not everyone participates. I say trust her. Not going won't stop her from trying stuff.

Ryann, 17, Tustin: Parties with parents either absent or abetting illegal activities are very prevalent. I'm not a partier, but my brother, a very social sophomore, wants to attend one. My parents made a reasonable decision. They stressed three things: 1) their trust in him to make good decisions under intense peer pressure; 2) that broken trust wouldn't be earned back easily; 3) if he did break their trust, he was to call them for a ride because they acknowledge he will make mistakes and nothing could make them love him any less, they just want him safe.

Dear Mom: At 17, you want to prevent substance use, not social life. Tell her that. (BTW, most kids WON'T call you when intoxicated. We've covered it.) Make this deal: She can go to the party under these conditions: 1) She leaves with a fully-charged phone. 2) She provides exact address of the party. 3) When you call (and you DO), she must answer and speak for a bit. No texting. 4) If she doesn't get on the line with you, or she sounds irritable or intoxicated, deal's off, you show up, consequences are given — regardless of her excuse. Ditto if she's not there. — Lauren

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