Straight Talk: Father’s ex-girlfriend seeks best way to part from kids

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: I’m 43 and was dating a man for six months who has an 11-year-old boy and a 15-year-old girl. Our relationship moved quickly and I often stayed at his house during visitation weekends, thus spending quite a bit of time with his kids. Now we have broken up (my idea and abrupt). What’s the best thing to do regarding the kids? The girl really liked me and we bonded. Do I send her a card? Email? What would be best to say? Do I also send a note to the boy even though he hardly seemed to notice me? - Vanished Overnight in Monterey

Breele, 21, Los Angeles: It’s fine to write the girl and simply say how much she meant to you. Maybe ask her to let her brother know you will miss them both and that they are amazing people. Definitely spare the details, but tell them you’ll miss them, that the breakup had nothing to do with them, that they are special people who you will always remember fondly, and that this is goodbye.

Brandon, 23, Mapleton, Maine: This is a dangerous tightrope. Do these kids have a mother figure? If not, the daughter could potentially lean on you. Are you ready for that? On the other hand, if they DO have a mother, do you want to compete? Friendliness is one thing, but six months of occasional weekends is not bonding. When you’re the one who causes the breakup with someone whose children aren’t yours, you should be prepared to break communication with those children unless they depend on you. Bottom line: The kids don’t need a pen pal. You don’t need a pen pal. They need stable focused parental figures to help raise them into great people. I suggest you leave them be. If you truly want contact, clear it with their dad.

Ashley, 26, Auburn: It was only six months, not years of knowing this man and his kids. Keeping your distance is most respectful unless cleared with the father.

Gregg, 23, Houston, Texas: First ask the father. If he says no, drop it. You won’t be the last lady he brings home. My dad gave me plenty of experience with women coming and going. I already have the best mother in the world, so while I was always polite, his girlfriends meant nothing to me. That said, I don’t know the daughter’s relationship with her real mother, so maybe your relationship was important. Just guessing, though, I’d say you have a false sense of importance in the daughter’s life.

Moriah, 18, Rutland, Vt.: Write. Teenage girls really look up to women role models and a quick letter explaining that you enjoyed her company will provide some clarity in a confusing situation. A sweet note for the boy can’t hurt.

Dear Vanished: Thank you for asking. You clearly hit a sore spot so please take the panel’s comments educationally not personally. If the father has no objections, closure vs general contact is extremely important. In your case, a note is just right (long-term, bonded relationships would ideally involve in-person closure as well). Breele nails exactly what to say and I agree to “definitely spare the details.” Please send a card, not email. Cards show more care, they’re also more formal, more public, and don’t open the door to private email exchanges where you might find yourself fielding inappropriate questions or news. Absolutely send a card to the boy, too. Whether he gives a hoot or not (and he does at some level), it’s the right thing to do.

- Lauren

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