Straight Talk: Secretive behavior worries mom

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: There is something going on that my daughters don’t want me to know about. They’ve started locking their room and I hear them talking in hushed tones I can’t understand. When I asked why they’re locking their door, they said they need “privacy.” They aren’t shy about my seeing them nude, so what are they hiding? I worry it could be drugs, though I haven’t observed any symptoms. I haven’t forced the issue, but I’m not sure how to best handle it. - Mom, 41, Toledo, Ohio

Taylor, 17, Santa Rosa: My parents always knew when I was lying. I planned a secret Halloween outing freshman year but my mom suspected and went through my texts. Snooping has its place, especially with younger teens, and I see why she did it. She goes through my 13-year-old brother’s texts, Facebook, etc., because he’s younger and has a bad track record. I’m almost 18, own my car and phone and have earned her trust. If you’re really worried, ask about it. My brother and his friend started closing the door to talk and Mom was all worried, until she overheard them, and I kid you not, they were talking about a girl he liked.

Justin, 17, Pleasanton: Casually check their room while they’re away. If you find signs of drugs or alcohol, knee-jerk anger can push them toward the problem versus a calm, firm resolve. Most likely it’s a relationship issue, possibly even a friend’s. If they’re upperclassmen, let them figure it out. If they’re younger, emphasize your desire to help, not hurt or embarrass them.

Elle, 19, Mifflintown, Penn.: Some girls don’t feel safe sharing guy issues, friend issues or what really happens at school. I’ve kept many things from my parents due to lack of trust and disrespect for certain decisions they made which indirectly hurt me. Because parents erroneously chalk up everything to “hormones”, I just yelled, “I’m PMS-ing, okay?” when they showed concern. Beware this diversion tactic. Do your daughters have a clean track record? Maybe they’re planning a surprise. Ask, conversationally, what kind of privacy they’re referring to. Share from your own past the relief of ending a secret. It’s up to you to discern if they need help. Teens often don’t ask for help even when they know they need it. Be the parent.

Stephanie, 23, Calistoga: Teens naturally want privacy and take some risks. Parents take risks when they snoop. Many friends with snoop-happy parents were resentful and rebelled outside the home. Plus, snooping can be addictive. That said, your teens’ safety comes first. My mother told me, “If you make the biggest mistake in the world, tell me. I’ll still love and help you.” Say something similar, plan some special outings and share your concerns. If you get nowhere and alarm bells keep ringing, it’s time to snoop.

Kira, 22, Moraga: This could be something serious. But probably not drugs. Your daughters sound close. One could be protecting a secret for the other, something they’re afraid you’ll react to. Note behavior changes and see what happens. Ultimately, trust your gut.

DEAR MOM: I hope the panel was helpful. If there’s legitimate cause, even teens want you to snoop. We’ve done columns on it. Conspiratorial whispers behind locked doors is hardly cause in itself but combined with prolonged “off” behavior, including avoidance and/or isolation , it is. And I would never ignore a gut feeling. It’s your job to constantly delve. Their casualness around nudity rules out abuse (bruises), anorexia, and cutting/burning. FYI, it’s not snooping to check social-media pages regularly and I recommend it. Use urbandictionary.com for translation. - Lauren

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