Bullying and how to cope

Listed below are three types of emotional bullying and some steps to help cope with and avoid being bullied.

SOCIAL BULLYING: Harming a relationship or a reputation through gossip and rumors.

INDIRECT BULLYING: Hurtful behavior that's not always verbally expressed.

Examples include:

Disapproving or put-down body language like rolling your eyes, turning your back or hands on hips or groaning sounds.

Put-downs disguised as teasing and then dismissed with comments like "No offense but . . ." or "Just kidding." The "secret message" is clear to everyone. Just because you "didn't mean it," doesn't mean it didn't hurt.

RELATIONAL BULLYING:

Controlling or withholding a relationship as a power play. Examples include: "I won't be your friend if . . ." or administering the silent treatment. The idea of losing a friend or all of their friends can be terrifying to a child.

RULES FOR THE INTERNET AND TEXTING:

1. Edit and think about what you're saying before you hit send.

2. Don't fight online

3. Don't share your password with anyone.

4. The Newspaper Test: If it's not something you would feel comfortable reading in the newspaper, don't send it.

5. Don't spread gossip online or by cell phone. Gossip is like throwing a rock in the water; it ripples and spreads.

FOUR STEPS TO RESOLVING CONFLICTS:

1. Start to make amends with a positive statement about the relationship. Examples: "I want to be friends with you." "I had a good time at your birthday party." Or "I like your sense of humor."

2. In stating your grievance use an "I" statement such as, "I feel hurt when you . . ."

3. Admit to your part in the problem such as, "I know I've done that before to you." Or "I realize I shouldn't have . . ."

4. Ask how you can solve the problem together. Make a suggestion such as, "I won't talk about you online" and let the other person make their own suggestion. This doesn't work with severe bullying. Kids can't always solve conflicts themselves and need a proactive adult to intervene.

THREE RULES FOR TALKING IT OUT

1. Don't bring up the past. Just because she did the same thing to you last week, doesn't make it OK for you to do it today. DO say: "I feel . . ." or "I think . . ." Don't say, "Everyone else feels like I do . . ."

2. Don't bring up the past and other issues. If you have feelings about a past incident, save it and talk about it another time.

3. Don't say, "She started it" as an excuse for your hurtful behavior. This is never an excuse to do whatever you want or to be dishonest about what you did.

IMPROVING COMMUNICATION AND SHARING WITH YOUR KIDS

Ask questions and then listen. Good, active listening is sometimes more important than "fixing" a problem. Then try to engage your child in problem-solving. Identify whether your child is the victim or "target", versus the perpetrator.

It may take several conversations about the problem for your child to open up. Never shame your child.

If you don't know what to do or how to help, talk to your child's teacher, principal, school counselor, or consult a psychotherapist in your community.

-- From Judy Fiermonte and Mary Susan Sams