Getting the word out about girl bullying

Ignore it. Walk away. Choose to hang out with different friends.

All good -- and appropriate -- advice to girls who fall victim to subtle or overt relational aggression, says child and family therapist Judy Fiermonte.

But it's not enough.

"It's not an individual problem," Fiermonte told a room of about two dozen parents and educators gathered for an informal discussion of the subject Saturday. "It's a systemic problem, and it needs intervention."

Fiermonte and pediatric psychologist Mary Susan Sams have joined together to draw attention to the subject. They want to help girls, parents, educators and others recognize the "bullying dynamics" that often look so different in girls than in boys and leave those who care for them feeling helpless.

"It's usually much more sly and sneaky and under the radar" than in boys, Sams said.

And it may involve what seem to adults to be small issues: who eats lunch with whom, who gets invited, who's in and who's out.

"But they mean so much," Fiermonte said, because girls generally value friendship and social connection above all else.

One woman listening to the presentation described how her teenage niece lost more than 20 pounds and dropped out of school for a year after her "best friend" spread Internet rumors saying the victim had tried to steal her boyfriend.

Adults need to tread carefully and provide openings and opportunities for their kids to tell them what's going on in their lives, and help them identify their own feelings and potential solutions.

Girls who become victims may also be perpetrators and need to be shown compassion as well as being held accountable, they said.

The larger goal is to increase understanding and unite adults and kids behind a culture in which it's not OK for young people to bully and manipulate each other in a damaging way, they said.

"I think it's really by getting the word out and drawing attention to it," Fiermonte said. "We're really trying to get girls to be kind to each other, and it's only going to happen one girl at a time."

You can reach Staff Writer Mary Callahan at 521-5249 or mary.callahan@pressdemocrat.com.