A family collage of brothers Nicholas 'Bobby' Musser-Kirby and Christopher Musser-Kirby hangs on the door of their bedroom as Diane Musser-Kirby looks on, Thursday May 7, 2009. (KENT PORTER/ PD)

Struggling to cope with the unexplainable

DEREK MOORE
THE PRESS DEMOCRAT

Diane Musser-Kirby spent several minutes rummaging through a carport at her family?s Glen Ellen ranch before she found the outfit she wanted her 5-year-old son to wear for his funeral.

The blue felt top, gray slacks and pointy shoes were going to be Nicholas ?Bobby? Musser-Kirby?s costume in an upcoming production of ?The Wizard of Oz.? He was going to play a member of the Lollipop Guild.

Instead, his mother worked quickly to iron wrinkles out of the clothes so they could be delivered to the Santa Rosa mortuary handling her son?s body. It was two days after Bobby?s death May 5 in a freak accident.

?I keep thinking to myself, ?Is this a dream? Or is this reality and my beautiful boy is gone?? Because right now, I?m not processing everything real well,? Musser-Kirby said.

She?s not alone.

Since Easter Sunday, at least three 5-year-old boys have died in Sonoma County, one from an asthma attack, one in a car crash and Bobby when an oak tree crashed onto his family?s pickup, crushing the Kenwood Elementary School preschooler as he sat in a booster seat.

That number of boys the same age dying in such a brief time span compounds the grief and has exponentially increased the number of people affected by these tragedies, including schools where crisis teams were dispatched to help children and parents cope with their emotions.

Bobby?s parents have been extraordinarily open about their experience, including inviting a Press Democrat reporter and photographer to spend time with them as they go through the wrenching days following their loss.

They are hopeful their story will be of comfort to the other parents who lost their sons. Musser-Kirby, 43, also said she?s ?grateful? to have the opportunity to talk about Bobby so that others will know how special he was.

Just speaking at all is a challenge for Mike Kirby, who was severely injured in the accident that claimed his son?s life. The 43-year-old Marin County sheriff?s deputy spent four days in the hospital before going home Saturday.

At the Warm Springs Road house Tuesday, Kirby wore a brace around his neck and his mouth was wired shut to prevent further damage to his broken and bruised face, the result of the pickup roof collapsing upon him.

Other scars were not so visible. Asked about the accident, Kirby recalled the horror of being pinned in the pickup and unable to reach his mortally injured son.

?The whole time I was trying to get out or wiggle around to touch him because I knew,? he said through clenched teeth as he wept.

He said he regrets working so much and not spending more time with both of his sons.

?That?s one lesson,? he said.

Kirby was reclined on a couch in the living room that has large windows overlooking a flowing creek. A banner celebrating Bobby?s fifth birthday in January still hung in the room, along with homemade birthday messages stuck to one of the windows.

?It just seemed festive, so we kept them up,? Musser-Kirby said.

The 23-acre ranch was her grandmother?s and, besides the main house, includes several smaller buildings and a pool.

One can hardly imagine a better environment for Bobby and his 10-year-old brother, Christopher: There are many paths through the ancient oak trees and along the creek where the boys could explore.

With his shoulder-length blond hair and ocean-blue eyes, Bobby looked as if he belonged on a surfboard. He was outgoing and smart and had earned rave reviews in his performances with Sonoma?s Broadway Bound Kids. People said he was the best bouncing basketball ever in a fall production of ?High School Musical.?

Given her son?s penchant for dressing up, Musser-Kirby said she never knew who?d come racing around the corner, whether it would be Bobby the cop, Bobby the doctor or, most recently, Bobby the alien tracker.

She said the never-ending costume changes used to drive her crazy because the house was left a mess. But standing in Bobby?s toy- and clothes-strewn bedroom two days after his death, Musser-Kirby seemed in no hurry to change a thing, including the messed-up covers on the bed the two brothers once shared.

Musser-Kirby said she was prescribed anti-anxiety medication to help her cope with her emotions. But that has done little to staunch frequent bouts of crying. She said she endured several miscarriages before Bobby was born, making the loss all the more difficult.

Now she wishes she would have turned on the video camera more often to capture his antics.

?It?s a lesson to appreciate your kids every minute of the day,? she said. ?You think they?re going to be here forever, and they?re not.?

The accident occurred at about 9:30 a.m. May 5 as Kirby was driving toward home on Bennett Valley Road. Bobby was seated in a car seat behind his father; the boy?s best friend, Alaina Kolling, also 5, sat on the other side behind Musser-Kirby.

She said she and the kids were practicing numbers when she spotted the tree falling across the road. There was enough time for screaming, but not braking, as the large oak collapsed onto the pickup.

Although there seems no way to have prevented the outcome, Musser-Kirby said she?s consumed with guilt over what she might have done to protect her son.

The fact he was with his parents that morning was unusual. After arriving at the Kenwood school, the couple learned it was closed for the day after the power was cut off by a tree falling on the lines during what turned out to be the final day of a spring storm.

She said the couple decided to take Bobby and Alaina with them to get donuts in Santa Rosa before heading home, where they were supposed to meet a person who had expressed interest in renting one of the homes on the ranch. They could have just as easily taken Highway 12 through Kenwood but instead chose Bennett Valley Road.

Musser-Kirby said she had been meaning to move her son?s seat into the middle, and wonders if that would have made a difference. And she wonders whether she could have reached back quickly and moved her son out of harm?s way after the tree started falling. But that would have required super-human reflexes.

Experts say such second-guessing is common in parents who?ve lost a child.

?You still ask the questions,? said Margo Requarth, child and teen bereavement services director for Sutter VNA & Hospice in Santa Rosa. ?There?s always a doubt. Anybody that?s connected with this in any way has those ?what if? kinds of questions.?

But Requarth said there are no easy answers, particularly in cases where a loved one dies suddenly or as a result of seemingly random events.

?Things happen out of our control, and when it happens to our children or people we love, that is the hardest,? she said.

The kicker for Musser-Kirby: When she phoned the man who was interested in the rental to apologize for missing their appointment, he informed her he never showed up.

There had been no reason to rush home that morning.

When you consider the odds of the family being beneath the tree at the precise moment it fell, and the resulting death of an innocent boy, it?s no wonder people are questioning details both small and large.

Mike Kirby, who is Catholic and graduated with a degree in public administration from the University of San Francisco, a Jesuit institution, said the past week has included feelings of anger toward God.

?There are times in my mind when I ask why God would do this to me,? he said. ?I have to admit I?ve been going through these emotions back and forth. I?ve been trying to think he has a plan for Bobby and for me when it?s all said and done.

?But I?m pretty pissed off at him right now.?

Others see no higher purpose for Bobby?s death. That includes Warren Musser, who recalled with fondness the times his grandson would run out to greet him on the ranch to help with a project.

?There?s no lesson,? he said. ?It was a broken and random 100-year-old tree that could have dropped at any time. It?s just left an enormous hole. I don?t know how you cope with it.?

A small number of family and friends gathered Saturday at Lafferty and Smith Colonial for a private funeral.

Mike Kirby, however, has delayed seeing his son until today. His family worried how he would react to seeing Bobby in his Wizard of Oz costume and with a large lollipop and several stuffed bears in the casket. He is to be cremated.

A public memorial service is planned for June 13 at Cline Cellars. Broadway Bound will erect a Wizard of Oz set and guests will be asked to dress in theme.

At the bend of Bennett Valley Road where the accident occurred, there is no sign of the tree that toppled, the stump having been removed so that Bobby?s family would never see it again. Across the road, however, people have left flowers, a small bear and a baseball.

A nearby sign points the way to a home someone has dubbed ?serenity? ? a name so at odds with how people are feeling in the wake of a boy?s death.

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