Straight Talk: Facing grim reality of child sex abuse

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: A close friend is coming to terms with the fact that her alcoholic stepfather molested her when she was growing up. She never goes home because of him and is afraid that telling her mom will break up the family. She's depressed often and is getting into drinking more. I want to help her, but how? — Anonymous 20-something

Carmela, 16, Davis: My friend was in a similar situation, although still living in the household. She felt so trapped she began cutting herself. Finally, after much supportive love from her friends, she told her family. Her grandmother got her into therapy, she stopped cutting and is on her way to changing her life. Telling an authority figure is important so the abuser can't hurt anyone else and the victim can feel safe and begin moving forward.

Brandon, 22, Mapleton, Maine: Her family was broken the second the abuse started. This man is a rapist and pedophile, not a father. He deserves to lose them. If your friend is self-sufficient, she shouldn't fear speaking the truth. This will eat at her until she does.

Hana, 23, San Francisco: The most life-saving words repeated to me were, 'It's not your fault' and 'You are not alone.' (For anyone working through this, really hear that. Nothing you did deserved sexual abuse — absolutely nothing.) I was sexually abused by my uncle and his girlfriend from age 4 to 11. I blocked out their threats, mind games, molest and rape until the flashbacks came this year. I only recently told my family, so I understand the terror. I didn't want to 'disrupt the peace' either, until I realized it wasn't me who disrupted it — and that a crime unspoken cannot be healed. Yes, it may draw people apart, but she will be so empowered by it. Right now, she is dealing with it in an unhealthy way, but your gift is being there for her, not being pushy. Honesty and suggestions are good, but because of what happened, she'll probably hate being told what to do.

Molly, 22, Oakland: This is too big to fix by yourself. Don't force her to confront the family. Encourage her to talk to a therapist or www.RAINN.org, a chat line/hotline for rape, abuse and incest victims.

Megan, 17, Seattle, Wash.: Freshman year, I began having to face my family-member abuser daily at school. I broke and my family found out about the sexual trauma I experienced when I was 6. He went through the courts, but wasn't punished because he was a juvenile at the time of the abuse — and was a child victim himself. Afterward, I avoided family events altogether, but over time, I found acceptance and empathy. I'm comfortable with my sexuality and carry no scars — which many survivors cannot say. If there's any chance this man is harming others, she must tell. The family stress is nothing compared to the extreme trouble he is causing that child.

Andrew, 24, Cloverdale: Her sharing was a huge step. Seek out help centers and professionals who can support the rest of her healing journey and teach you how to support her best.

DEAR ANONYMOUS: I'm so sorry for your friend — and all victims of child sexual abuse, 1 in 3 girls and 1 in 7 boys nationally, according to the National Sex Offender Public Website. Share this column with her and repeat Hana's true words often: 'It's not your fault,' and 'You are not alone,' (meaning you and many others are at her side). If she won't live chat at RAINN.org or call their National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-HOPE, I hope you do. They don't ask names . If she is in immediate danger, call 911. — Lauren

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