Getting there in the air is none of the fun

The holidays are upon us, so it must be time to visit relatives. Unfortunately, a holiday trip is often not as easy as going across the river and through the wood to grandmother's house. Grandpa and grandma may have retired to Florida.

That is when life becomes difficult. A family visit often requires a plane trip.

So it is across the parking lot to the shuttle bus, then through the long lines at the security checkpoint, then across all the gates hiking with luggage to the farthest point of the terminal, then more lines to board the plane, then through the cabin while waiting for other passengers to stick baby grand pianos in the overhead bins because they are too cheap to pay for their bags to be checked, then seat belts and tempers buckled until the pilot comes on the intercom to say weather has delayed all flights.

As Thanksgiving weekend is a busy period to fly, this is an appropriate moment to examine the state of commercial aviation from the passengers' point of view. In short, it is time to let loose with a primal scream. “Arrrrrrrrrrrgghhhhhhh!” Why, that feels better already.

None of what I have to tell you today will be news to seasoned fliers. I write as one of you. Having a grown-up child in Brooklyn, New York, and another in Sydney, Australia, I spend many hours in the air on trips to visit their little families. I could stow my frustrations under the seat in front of me, but I know many readers share these feelings. Of course, a few airlines are honorable exceptions to the dismal situation, but let us not spoil a good rant by acknowledging them.

The trouble with my perceptions is that I am of a certain age - every morning brings new aches that make me more certain of it - and we of a certain age can remember the golden age of flying. Younger people who know no better may think it is cool to be (pick your metaphor) crammed into a flying sardine can or mooing like so many cattle.

Ah, the lost pleasures of flying. I recall flying by myself as a kid to visit my grandmother who lived in another city. No security lines, relaxed and gracious service, no paying for checked bags and real peanuts for snacks.

The only crinkle in this lap of luxury was my parents' fear that I would be lost in transit. So they combed my hair, dressed me in short pants, coat and tie and attached a label to me with my name on it. I looked like Paddington Bear. The most humiliating part was that I was about 14 at the time.

We can blame deregulation for the loss of our innocence and our free baggage privileges. Deregulation brought many new passengers onto flights as tickets prices fell. But this was both good and bad.

It was good that the skies became more democratic and people on tight budgets didn't have to take a Greyhound bus. It was bad that planes became so crowded that now planes resemble the bus. Glamour is left at the gate, and the airlines nickel and dime the passengers at every turn for little amenities formerly free.

To be sure, the food was always horrible on the longer flights. Remember how we used to make jokes? Now the food is equally disgusting but passengers must pay for it. So the fun has gone out of complaining, because it's your fault for being hungry and not knowing better.

As more butts have been placed in seats, the seats have become smaller - this at the time when the American butt has grown to record proportions. Worse yet, some of the airlines have taken out lavatories and replaced them with regular seats with no flushing mechanism.

I have taken a couple of flights with only two lavatories for more than 100 people in economy. In one of these planes, a woman got locked in and a flight attendant had to dismantle the door, rendering that lavatory inoperable and leaving the other 99 people inconvenienced, so to speak.

Memo to the Federal Aviation Administration: In such situations, passengers will congregate in the aisles, although the safety threat posed by people with crossed legs may be minimal. A class-action suit should be filed alleging discrimination against Americans with small bladders.

It is different in first class or business class. People there go to the lavatory not because they need to but just to show off to the poor souls doomed to peer through the curtain.

To borrow a seasonal phrase for the alleged friendly skies: Bah! Humbug!

Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette.