Lowell Cohn: 49ers’ sad story a tale of bad choices

SANTA CLARA - As usual, the San Francisco 49ers lost on Sunday. This time, they lost to (insert opponent's name here). The final score was (insert final score).

The (choose an adjective here: discouraging, shameless, laugh-riot) loss represented the 49ers (insert number) loss in a row, giving the team (insert adjective: one whopping, one hell of a, a holy mackerel) losing streak which extends back to (insert month and year).

As is their pattern, the 49ers got off to a promising start, jumping ahead in the first quarter by a score of (insert early score here). And, as is their pattern, the 49ers (choose verb: blew, frittered away, couldn't hold) their lead and quickly fell behind, causing many loyal fans in the small gathering at Levi's Stadium (estimate measly attendance here) to (hit themselves in the forehead, stomp their feet, get sick from their hot dogs and Chardonnay).

It is a known fact that opposing coaches figure out the Niners offense early in the second quarter because the 49ers offense is (choose adjective: simple, a tale told by an idiot, you almost choke you're laughing so hard).

This time the (insert opponent's name) figured out Chip Kelly's offense in (choose number: 15, 16, 17 minutes). Which may or may not be progress for the first-year 49ers coach who continues to remain upbeat because (choose concept: he doesn't know any better, he's in denial, he earns a fortune and is set for life thanks to the usual York Family silliness).

And as usual, when things got tough, the 49ers quit, at one point surrendering 27 points in a row and scoring only three points of their own in the entire second half. The 49ers as a group quit in (choose one: the first quarter, the second quarter, the third quarter).

It is impossible in this space to mention all the 49ers flaws and football sins. But this is for sure, they can't stop the run and allowed (choose opponent's name) to run for (249, a million, infinity) yards on the controversial Levi's turf.

The primary reason opponents run like mad against the 49ers is two of their primary run stoppers, DeForest Buckner and Arik Armstead, both first-round draft picks if you can believe that, (choose idea: disapprove of physical violence, are not strong enough to compete with NFL offensive linemen, have more important things on their minds than football).

The opponent's primary running back (insert name here) ran wild. The 49ers always make the opposing running back look like (choose a name here: Jim Brown, O.J. Simpson, Bo Jackson, all of the above). The most recent running back (insert name here) ran for (insert number: 154, a million, infinity) yards.

Running backs (choose verb: prefer to, really want to, salivate to) run against the Niners. But, as Kelly constantly tells us, the 49ers sure want to get better and, to their credit, work darn hard.

What fair-minded person can argue with any of that? All credit to Chip Kelly for his inspired leadership.

This game marked the second start in a row for Colin Kaepernick who won the quarterback competition over (choose name: Checkdown Charlie, the other clown, Blaine Gabbert). Experts and non-experts alike can find (no difference, a little difference, who cares?) between Kaepernick and the guy he beat out at QB.

Kaepernick alertly went to the second receiver in his progression (a few times, never, it's out of the question to expect him to). He usually looked at one receiver all the way, or didn't bother to look, or scrambled out of the pocket.

He is a good runner and his running (choose one: ultimately makes no difference, is fun to watch, looks good on the stat sheet and may help him get a job with some unsuspecting team next season when he becomes a free agent and leaves the Niners). (Choose exclamatory phrase here: thank heaven, holy-moly, there is a God.)

His passer rating was 56.4 and that is (choose descriptive phrase: very low, beneath contempt, typical for him). He also suffered (insert number) sacks and fumbled (insert number) times. Kelly said Kaepernick's performance was “up and down.” Which may be the same as down and up, which may be the same as horrible.

No one in his/her right mind could say Kaepernick played well. The reason for his poor performance is (choose one: he hasn't gained enough weight, he needs to drink more root beer floats, he has no idea what he's looking at when he looks at a complex defense). His pocket awareness is where it always has been, and that means it is (choose descriptive: minimal, nonexistent, at the level of the earthworm).

After this (choose adjective: discouraging, standard, meaningless) loss, it is clear the Niners have (choose a number: one, two, no) quarterbacks who actually can play the position. It is equally clear the 49ers no longer count as a team and their season is (choose concept: in the dumper, a laugh-riot, over and done with after only seven games, something of a land-speed record).

In spite of the 49ers record, the Faithful still have plenty of reasons to attend the remaining home games. Fans can (choose one: see performances funnier than any madcap comedy on Broadway, work out their deep-seated frustrations hurling epithets at the players and coaching staff, drive down to enjoy the cultural attractions of Santa Clara, clearly a world-class city as opposed to San Francisco, an unimportant village in a larger region known as the Bay Area).

The current state of the 49ers is a testament to the (choose one: astute, incompetent, you just want to die) ownership of Jed York and his mommy and daddy who had the (choose one: foresight, nerve, sheer gall) to drive out Jim Harbaugh and replace him with Jim “The Butcher” Tomsula, Chip Kelly and whatever (choose word: bozo, loser, poseur) comes next.

For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular, go to the Cohn Zohn at cohn.blogs.pressdemocrat.com. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at lowell.cohn@pressdemocrat.com.