Readers share the best lessons they received from their fathers

As a girl growing up, Patty Brown knew she was “the smartest, prettiest and best daughter in the world.” It was an article of faith. And she had it on great authority. Her father said so.

The things our dads tell us matter. Their words, when used wisely and with love, reverberate throughout our lives. They can empower us with confidence and self-reliance or they can leave us feeling small and inadequate.

Few fathers have a perfect record of wisdom. But most dads impart a few lessons that stay with us. It can be practical information that helps us navigate life, like how to change a tire or fix a leak. Or they can be deeper truths that embed in our consciousness and become part of our internal compass.

The wisdom of a father can come through words or actions.

Brown, a Petaluma resident, said her dad’s many lessons came in both forms. He had unerring patience.

“He sat with me through junior high and high school math class homework, calmly sharing the rules and through my tears, I made it through school,” said Brown, who grew up in Healdsburg, where her dad managed a small J.C. Penney store in the 1970s. “When I turned 15 and wanted to learn to drive, he was the one to take me, and later my brothers, out in the country and to empty store parking lots and taught us how to drive a clutch three-on-the-tree Vega and Econoline truck. Again, I cried and tried, and eventually I mastered it.”

What helped her slog through the hard lessons feeling like a failure was his gentle reminder that “doing your best is the greatest reward of all.”

He also modeled a work ethic and made sure his sons and only daughter did their part.

“After a long day of swimming at Memorial Beach, we knew we had to be at the store by 5 p.m. so dad would throw our bikes into the back of his truck and take us home for the evening, or we’d have to ride a long way across town after a hot day at the beach,” she recalled. “We had to get right in and clean up, then help mom with the dinner. Dad taught us to help with the chores, so we’d be better human beings, or ‘human beans’ as he always said.”

Be useful as well as beautiful

Tari Nix’s dad Tom, a former high school quarterback and all-around athlete, taught her to become a champion swimmer and diver by throwing her into the waters at Ponce de Leon Springs in DeLand, Florida, where she grew up. It gave her an adventurous spirit to “boldly go forth” and take on new challenges, such as when she chose to become a founding member of the school’s first women’s gymnastics team rather than join the swim and dive team at the University of Florida.

The elder Nix, who worked for the phone company Southern Bell, taught his kids a lot of things that became part of a blueprint for life. While she was a popular baton twirler and cheerleader, Tari, now 67 and living in Windsor, learned from her dad that it was not enough to skate through life on good looks. “Be useful as well as beautiful,” was one of his most important bits of advice.

“Both my sister and I learned life skills, mechanical and beyond, from Dad. Kind of ‘figure it out and fix it yourself,’ and not to be ashamed to ask for advice when you needed it. Got my own tools and workbench to prove (it),” she said.

Other mantras were “Never say quit,” ”Leave everywhere you go better than you found it” and “keep everything shipshape,” the latter referring to the self-discipline in mind, body, spirit and soul he learned serving on a Navy submarine and the USS Spinax during the Korean War.

He also showed her the virtue of keeping one’s mind sharp by memorizing poetry; he particularly loved to recite the great meditation on death “Thanatopsis” by William Cullen Bryant. He wrote some 2,500 poems himself, which Tari said now serve as “priceless historical (hysterical) collections of events surrounding family, friends, neighbors, community, public figures, news items and as an understanding of whatever he found humorous, special or uncanny in the world around him.”

Tom Nix would dole out her $1 weekly allowance in change, with the advice to save 20% for later, a practice she continued throughout her work life.

But the greatest lessons from her dad, who died in 2018 after living joyfully for 88 years, were about how to be a good person and treat each day as a precious opportunity.

“Honor yourself and honor others and do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” she said. “It was about high integrity. Be the best you can be and look for all the good things. Every day is a new day and live it to the fullest.”

Be a good sport

Tim Baker said his father Art, who died 15 years ago, had many good qualities that he modeled for his five children, including a strong work ethic, compassion and family values. But Baker said the thing that really sticks out is sportsmanship. Before he became a dad, Art was a star pitcher at Analy High School and may have been given a shot at the pros if World War II hadn’t pulled him away.

“His right arm was huge and looked like Popeye’s after spinach,” said Baker, who is a semi-retired photojournalist living in New Jersey.

“When his kids played sports, he always encouraged and practiced hitting or throwing around a football with us in the barnyard of our Petaluma farm,” Baker said. “But what sets him apart was he never once criticized our play or second guessed coaches or officials. At least out loud. At baseball games at Penngrove Park or the Cotati Little League field, he always sat as far away from the other spectators as possible. At Cotati, he sat on a hill overlooking the diamond. Now when I watch my boys in sports, I sit far from the other spectators and offer a quick thumbs up if my guy gets a hit, scores a goal or makes a good play. I usually get a thumbs up from them in return.”

Take care of your car and your marriage

Dads often hold a special tenderness for their daughters, who will forever be “Daddy’s girl.” But fathers can also take an important role in teaching their daughters to be strong and self-sufficient.

“My dad taught me how to be a strong, independent woman during a time when girls were mostly growing into more traditional roles as wives and mothers,” said Reta Kyle of her dad Lester Kyle. “He encouraged me and my brother to be resourceful and responsible by giving us weekly chores and an allowance.”

Her dad advised her to save money for a “rainy day” and to consider her choices wisely before spending. And, as a requirement for getting her driver’s license, he made sure she could change a flat tire because you can’t always count on someone else being there to help. He wanted his daughter to be safe and taught her how to take charge of her own welfare. He advised her to always carry a $20 bill hidden in her wallet, just in case, and to make sure there was adequate tread on her tires.

“Your car will last a lot longer if you change the oil on time and always use the same brand and weight of motor oil,” was another practical mantra.

“He trusted me to do the right things growing up, and I never wanted to let him down,” said Kyle, who grew up in Humboldt County and now lives in Cotati. “Most of all, he loved my mother with all his heart. He never left our house without kissing her goodbye (even when they might have been annoyed with each other). They had fun together and got through the hard times. He showed me what a good marriage was and how a husband should treat his wife. I always believed in marriage because of that and was lucky enough to find happiness in my own life from his example.”

Honey and a little dirt is good for you

Practical dads often show their love by passing down advice for staying safe. Mary Alden of Petaluma said her father Hermann Sander was a New Hampshire country doctor and had a few prescriptions she believes kept her healthy for more than 70 years.

He was a beekeeper and often enlisted his three daughters to help out in the office. That, Alden said, could entail “helping hold down screaming kids with fly fishing hooks caught in their scalps.” And he shared with them the secrets of bees, “which meant extracting honey in the cellar where everything became covered with a layer of stickiness.

“He taught me the medicinal value of honey when it is smeared on a bit of gauze and placed over a bad scrape or abrasion that’s embedded with dirt,” Alden said. “The honey is naturally antiseptic and it draws out the grit, which adheres to the gauze after about a day. Better yet, you can lick the excess honey on the tongue depressor after spreading it on the gauze!

“He also said, while rescuing hamburgers that he’d inadvertently flipped into pine needles at camp, that a little dirt is good for you and that during your lifetime you probably will eat ‘a peck of dirt.’ The peck o’ dirt theory is one I’ve embraced in this overly sanitized world, and in more than 70 years, I’ve never been sick with more than sniffles. Must be true!”

Arrive early and never be late

Little admonishments that to a child may seem insignificant can lead to habits that make life go a lot smoother if we heed them.

Dale Manwiller of Santa Rosa said that in addition to saving money and being honest and responsible, his father taught him “a tenet that rings true every day.

“It is something I have taught to my daughter, and I'm sure she will pass it along to all she influences when the time comes,” he said. “And it is a simple yet life altering view: ‘If you are always early, you are never late.’ There are too many times in our life when lateness, by yourself, or particularly others in my case, negatively alters the outcome of whatever event, function, meeting, etc. to which it pertains.”

Always an example

Many people blessed with good fathers said their dads remained influential even in their last years as their bodies gave out.

Brown of Petaluma said her dad Ken took on a new role as minister of pastoral care at the Petaluma Christian Church, even after multiple sclerosis struck, zapping his strength and forcing him to close his furniture store in 1984. He would live 37 more years. He died last week, after dementia slowly robbed him of most of his faculties. He was just turning 88.

“I see my once-strong and loving father lying in a bed near the end of a long and full time on this earth,” she wrote just before his death. “But I still hear him calmly and patiently telling me to slowly ease off on that clutch, or how to divide by odd and even numbers. I see him on the floor playing trucks or running with a robe over his shoulders while his little Sunday school kids escape with him like Moses from the Egyptians toward the Promised Land. He may be there by Father’s Day this year. He always believed that he’d be there. What my father taught me about life will remain with me as long as I live.”

You can reach Staff Writer Meg McConahey at 707-521-5204 or meg.mcconahey@pressdemocrat.com. OnTwitter @megmcconahey.