There's a story that personnel experts like to tell:
Employees at a Bay Area health care organization met outside the office to talk about workplace etiquette. They agreed that they would no longer stand in the aisles between cubicles, having loud conversations while others tried to work.
Six days later, they were yelling back and forth across the room, instead.
And yet, those workers were potentially on the right track, said Sara Tickler, a workplace conflict consultant, psychologist and program director for Sonoma State University's master's degree program in organization development.
"Employees are always looking to the leaders to set the parameters, but these conflicts are a no-win situation for any manager. You have to spread the responsibility for enforcement across the staff," she said.
For many people, the most challenging part of going to work is getting along with the other workers. Even if a co-worker's little habits - from constant nail clipping to loud personal conversations - really have nothing to do with the job, minor conflicts are inevitable.
Some guy playing music in the next cubicle may not sound like aggressive behavior at first, but no matter how trivial co-workers' irritations might seem, it's foolish to let them fester, Tickler said.
"Most of the more serious conflicts that arise start with this kind of stuff," she said. "Any of these problems can quickly lead to a grievance."
When we asked readers to tell us their complaints about manners at the office, the responses were voluminous, almost all were anonymous, and a few were venomous.
Some of the responses, however, were rather thoughtful. Mike Booth, a Glen Ellen insurance agent, was concerned that the hug has replaced the handshake as a workplace greeting.
"It poses all kinds of etiquette do's and don'ts: Should it be a one-arm hug, a close hug, an 'A'-frame hug? Does the boss get a hug, or is it just for lateral, peer-to-peer greetings?" Booth wrote.
"Another loss of etiquette has been dress codes," he added. "I think that 'Casual Friday' in some organizations has gone out of control. Some people think that because their jeans cost more than $100, bad fading with torn places is acceptable."
A lot of the gripes were predictable. Making private cellphone calls all day easily topped the list.
"I believe cellphone use should be taken outside of shared work spaces and used at a minimum, unless needed to do the job," said Susanne Dugan of Sebastopol, who works as a personal assistant. "People act like it's a vital organ. You won't die if you shut it off."
Break room manners sparked a lot of comment, with problems ranging from incessant cellphone chatter to turning the TV up loud.
"Break room etiquette strikes a nerve," said David Petri, who works for a Sonoma shipping company. "Silence is appreciated, allowing someone to calmly enjoy a healthy lunch, a calm moment between work responsibilities and privacy. Some non-work-related conversation is good."
Some of the complaints were about outrageous behavior, citing co-workers who scream or curse all day or those who reek of body odor.
Other irritants were more subtle, as in the case of a worker who left pamphlets for a weight-loss program next to the pastry tray by the communal coffee maker.
"My pet peeve is staff who come to the office when they are seriously ill. They spread germs by coughing without Kleenex, sneezing without covering the mouth, and touching co-workers' keyboards, phones, etc.," said Francie Aguilera, a volunteer for a Santa Rosa nonprofit.
"Employers should have a closed room for those who have to come to the office when they are contagious," she added.
It's important to remember that people spend so much time at work that they begin to consider workplace their home ground, said Tickler, the conflict consultant.
"They want to claim control and territory within that work space. With the state of the economy, people feel that of lot things are out of control right now, so they want to seize control wherever they can," she said.
"The other thing is that we are embracing more diversity in the workplace," Tickler added, "and that means a lot of different styles and norms."
So, remember that the person who microwaves fish during a morning break might have grown up doing that.
Generational differences also can create problems, Tickler said.
"We have four different generations in the workplace. Look at the boomers and the millennials," she said. "That alone can create all sorts of conflict about how to dress and whether to return phone calls or answer by email."
Ultimately, there is no substitute for mutual respect and direct, courteous communication among co-workers, Tickler said.
"We all agree we should have freedom, but when your expression of your freedom conflicts with mine, then we've got a problem."
You can reach Staff Writer Dan Taylor at 521-5243 or dan.taylor@pressdemocrat.com.
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