Straight Talk: Stepmom seeks help from kids’ hostility

DEAR STRAIGHT TALK: My stepchildren, ages 16 and 17, are incredibly cold to me even though I had nothing to do with their parents’ divorce. I met their father a year later and eight months after that we moved in together. They hardly greet me or look at me. I handle it by being unobtrusive, preparing food they might like and scheduling myself elsewhere to give them space together. But it hurts. They won’t join him for holidays if my grown children are present, thus we spend holidays apart, me traveling to see my kids and he staying home to accommodate his. His kids have always gotten what they wanted and are entitled and narcissistic. What can I do? - Sad Stepmother

Karlee, 17, Bentleyville, Pa.: I was extremely hostile toward my stepmother at first. But don’t live your life walking on eggshells. Step one is confronting your husband. He should be sticking up for you and setting rules for split holidays, respectful communication, etc. The kids are caught up thinking that if they like you, it’s a betrayal of their mother. Explain that you will never replace her . Honestly, it takes time. Lots of time. Let them know you’re there for them - and keep the food coming!

Justin, 17, Brentwood: I don’t treat my stepdad poorly just because he’s not my real dad. He’s still human. Your partner needs to set basic household rules of respect.

Meghan, 20, State College, Pa.: It was difficult being in the same room with my stepmom, but things are improving after a couple of years. Accept that they may never come around and just be yourself. Giving them “dad time” is good, but pay attention to them, too, so you can give real compliments and thoughtful gifts without overdoing it. Remember, the kids are sad, too.

Molly, 23, Oakland: Be patient. Also, drop any resentment. I guarantee, it leaks through.

Samantha, 23, Toledo, Ohio: This is unacceptable. Your partner should say enough with the rudeness and refuse to separate your holidays. Keep killing them with kindness, but also stand up for yourself.

DEAR STEPMOTHER: What you’re describing is abusive behavior and allowing it to continue is bad for every single person in this family. If hubby won’t step up, schedule a family meeting yourself (along with another one for you and Mr. Spine). In a warm yet firm voice, explain to the children that you are sorry for what they’re going through - AND starting now, you will no longer be the scapegoat. Tell them you are not their mother but you are committed to the family and as female head of household you deserve basic courtesies and respect. Practice with a friend or counselor beforehand and stay above the fray, yet warm. Afterward, bring out your secret weapon, an irresistible meal, lovingly served. -Lauren