Lowell Cohn: It's fantastic: 49ers have hope vs. Patriots

SANTA CLARA - The 49ers play the New England Patriots next Sunday at Levi's Stadium. Those New England Patriots. At his Monday news conference, I asked 49ers coach Chip Kelly, “How do have hope going into a game like that?”

To his credit, Kelly said, “I think you always have hope. I don't think anybody just says, ‘Let's take the week off because we can't win.' But, we played this team last year when I was with Philadelphia and had a big victory up in Foxborough. It's an entirely different situation, but we've played them before and I understand the challenge of it. I think if you're a competitor you get excited about playing in games like this. You don't think of it as, ‘Oh my god, we don't have any hope.' You get a chance to play against Tom Brady and Bill Belichick. If that doesn't get your blood boiling, then you're in the wrong sport.”

Good for Chip and his fighting spirit and his boiling blood. And here's the thing. I'm picking the Niners to defeat the Patriots. I'm serious. I have little doubt they can beat that New England bunch even though the Patriots lost to the Seattle Seahawks on Sunday and will be extra motivated against San Francisco.

FYI, I can explain why New England lost to Seattle. The Patriots were so worried about playing the 49ers - who wouldn't be? - they overlooked the Seahawks. It was a classic trap game for the Patriots and they sure don't want to lose two in a row. They will come out firing against the Niners. Still, I firmly believe the Niners can win.

Shallow analysts, who confine themselves to stats and box scores, might think the 1-8 49ers stand no chance against the 7-2 Patriots. That the Niners are dead ducks because they surrendered 699 passing yards their past two games against Drew Brees and Carson Palmer. And now they have to face Tom Brady, one of the greatest quarterbacks who ever lived. But, no. Here at The Press Democrat our analysis goes deeper than mere stats. Much deeper.

For starters, the 49ers are coming off a good loss. On Sunday, they lost 23-20 to the Cardinals, and a good loss is always a launching pad to an even better loss or, in next Sunday's case, a win. Never underestimate a really good good loss.

More reasons the Niners can win.

Brady could break his right index finger fixing a drone.

Or he could trip on a staircase and suffer a high ankle sprain.

Or he could get caught under-inflating the balls and get banned four games.

Crazy things like this actually happen.

Belichick could contract malaria. He would want to coach from a hospital bed on the sideline but the Patriots medical staff would rule him out.

Or, after all these years, Belichick finally could develop a personality and decide football isn't what it's cracked up to be. He wants a new challenge. He wants to become a French chef. He decides game planning for the 49ers - for any team - is a waste of his time.

Or the Patriots boycott the 49ers game because Donald Trump won the election and they think the process was rigged. Plus, Colin Kaepernick is their idol and they refuse to hurt him because they don't want to be the oppressor.

Or the driver of the Patriots bus takes an alternate route to the stadium and gets lost. The Patriots end up in Salinas and decide to have lunch at the John Steinbeck House and then go wine tasting. The Cal Bears are a last-minute replacement for the Patriots, and Vegas installs the Bears a three-point favorite over the Niners because Cal has a better defense.

Or the Patriots, finally realizing they were misinformed, refuse to play because they thought the San Francisco 49ers really play in San Francisco. The Patriots understand too late they'll be stuck all Saturday night in Santa Clara, and that's no fun, and their feelings are hurt.

Or Chip fires himself before the Patriots game, and the Niners instantly become the betting favorite. Chip claims he didn't know coaching the 49ers would be so difficult. He blames Trent Baalke for giving him a crummy roster, and says he will travel around the country with his dog taking photos on his phone of famous graveyards of America, a symbolic gesture for his career in the NFL being dead and buried.

Two days before the game, Chip hands over the team to, of all people, Jim Tomsula. The players immediately perk up. Chip says, with a hint of pride, he's way better at news conferences than the babbler Tomsula and scored higher on an IQ Test. But coaching is more than talking or being a brain. Chip admits that.

He says he's confident Tomsula can do a good job. The Butcher, when all is said and done, won five games last season with pretty much the same roster. Chip bravely admits five wins is out of the question for him this season or any season.

The Tomsula Niners beat the Patriots 38-17, and Jed York sends out a tweet taking full responsibility for firing Tomsula after last season, and this story has a happy ending.

For more on the world of sports in general and the Bay Area in particular, go to the Cohn Zohn at cohn.blogs.pressdemocrat.com. You can reach Staff Columnist Lowell Cohn at lowell.cohn@pressdemocrat.com.