Dear Abby: Mother anxious as 20-year marriage crumbles

Dear Abby: My husband, “Brett,” and I have been legally married for five years. We had a common-law marriage for more than 15 years before that. Brett was always a stable and encouraging partner, but over the last two to three years he has changed. He’s angry and he blames me for things that could not possibly be my fault. He blows up in a rage and throws things across the room over insignificant annoyances. He has removed my name from our bank accounts and changed all the passwords.

Abby, Brett is the breadwinner. We have had counseling, but he wasn’t a participant as much as an observer, and later he criticized the therapist. I’m a homemaker, and I make some extra money creating artwork on commission. We have a son who is 12. I am going to be looking for a job or going back to school.

I have kept this to myself and haven’t shared with family or friends because I’m embarrassed. It brings back my own parents’ fighting and divorce. When my husband rages, I freeze. I’m unable to think and usually just retreat within myself for a while. I’m not thinking rationally and I need advice.

— Marriage Gone Wrong

Dear Marriage Gone Wrong: Your husband’s behavior is threatening, demeaning and emotionally abusive. When he rages, it is not unusual for someone to shut down as you have done. It’s vital that you get to the bottom of what has gone wrong with your marriage. An abrupt change in personality such as you describe is not normal, and your husband may need a physical and neurological evaluation.

Your mistake has been in remaining silent. Inform his doctor, your family and his about what has been going on. You should also make an appointment for yourself with an attorney who specializes in family law and can explain your rights as a (legal) wife in the state in which you live.