Petaluma author encourages fellow mothers to embrace the messiness of motherhood

Motherhood has assumed many different flavors and personas in the modern era: Tiger Mom, Helicopter Mom and Perfectionist Mom are three of many.

If one East Petaluma author has her way, the next distinction would be “Hot Mess.”

This thinking is the foundation of “A Little Less of a Hot Mess: The Modern Mom’s Guide to Growth and Evolution,” a honest book about motherhood that came out last month.

The author, Kaitlin Soulé, is a mom of three kids, ages 8, 7, and 4, who also works a day job as a licensed marriage and family therapist, which means she is perhaps ideally suited to write a book about motherhood, family, and parenting and the part of the Venn diagram in which the three circles intersect.

The way she sees it, motherhood is messy, imperfect and at times downright challenging, just like we are, and should be celebrated for those blemishes.

Soulé, 38, also said moms too often put others first, leaving themselves with scraps of self-care.

“We’re all a hot mess in some way or another; even the mom you see who is cutting her kid’s sandwiches in the perfect little shapes and is always dressed perfectly at school drop-off—she is a hot mess somewhere in her life,” Soulé said. “This idea that we can be a little less of that if we can let go of the narratives that tell us we have to be something we’re not and just choose to live by our values—that’s where the power is. That’s what motherhood is all about.”

'My wake up moment’

The book was a product of the pandemic, but Soulé said her “aha” moment for writing a book about motherhood came much earlier than that.

It was about six years ago, when her daughters were 2 and 1, before her son was born.

Soulé had gotten pregnant by accident and found out she was going to have a miscarriage. Even though she was grieving, even though she knew she should take time for herself, she accepted an invitation to a family member’s birthday party because she didn’t want to let anyone down.

“While we were driving to the party, I started having a miscarriage,” she said. “Shortly after that whole experience, I really saw that I had lost the plot. I had been abandoning myself. And had to figure out how to take care of myself again. That was my wake up moment. It took me a few months to realize how much I’d lost myself. From then on, I started thinking about everything differently.”

Though that anecdote didn’t make the book, Soulé set out to collect countless others that did.

She also vowed to break the mold of therapists writing books only about research and clinical experience by incorporating her own personal stories as well. Her goal: To answer questions such as What does motherhood mean today? How can we be better to ourselves and each other?

These kinds of open-ended questions about motherhood resonated with those who have written extensively about it before.

For example, Kate Rope, author of “Strong as a Mother: How to Stay Happy, Healthy, and (Most Importantly) Sane from Pregnancy to Parenthood. The Only Guide to Taking Care of YOU!” said motherhood — and parenthood in general — demands learning on the job.

“Being a human being — and growing them and raising them — is a beautifully messy and difficult journey,” she wrote in a recent email. “You are raising a parent at the same time as you are raising a child, and if you can look at it through those eyes, the inevitable mistakes and hard times can become part of what's expected and normal rather than a failure.”

A novel approach, with 12 chapters

As a therapist, Soulé’s experience is in treating anxiety disorders and maternal mental health.

Understandably, she attacked the subject of motherhood through that lens, focusing a good part of the book on perfectionism — why moms feel they must achieve it, what about society perpetuates this myth, and how mothers can free themselves of these burdens.

Soulé also debunks the myth of “balance,” acknowledging there is simply no such thing.

Other subjects she covers include overcoming mom guilt, welcoming uncertainty, practicing being present, making space for self-care, establishing boundaries, and cultivating a growth mindset.

The book itself is divided into three sections: Rewriting Your Story, Restoring Your Sense of Authentic Self, and Reclaiming Your Life. Each of the 12 chapters is followed by journal prompts and exercises designed to get readers to be intentional about applying the lessons and philosophies they’ve just consumed.

“I wanted to have readers be able to use the book as a way implement some of these ideas to their own life,” Soulé said. “In that sense it’s more than a book.”

This instructional approach certainly has piqued the interest of Kelly Comstock, mother of two daughters, ages 11 and 8. Comstock, who is general manager of her family’s eponymous winery in Healdsburg, is a single mother, and prides herself on constant evolution.

“The mother-as-the-heart-of-the-household creates immense pressure on mothers to present their families in a socially acceptable image,” she said. “While mothers may be real life superheroes, we are also human. We fail. A lot.  It seems like in the past, we had to keep all those failures to ourselves, lest we burst the ‘perfect little image’ bubble. As the conversations change, we realize we are not alone.”

Moms supporting moms

The book is available locally at Copperfield’s bookstores and online at Amazon. In addition to the book, Soulé has spent the last two years building what she calls a “Hot Mess Community” in other avenues.

First, she maintains a blog and website titled “Well Notes by Kaitlin” at wellnotesforher.com.

Second, she publishes a podcast, during which she extends and amplifies different themes in the book, usually with the help of either a fellow mother or an expert speaker or guest. (For the podcast junkies among you, it’s available on iTunes and Spotify.)

Third, Soulé said has launched a book club during which members — moms only, of course — will read and discuss one book each month.

“The idea behind (all three efforts) is to create and cultivate a group of moms who can show up for each other without judgment,” she said. “We’re in this together, and we need to remember that as we move forward on this journey of modern motherhood.”

Down the road, Soulé hopes to take this community-building even farther, offering in-person retreats at which moms from all over the country can get together in a neutral location away from their families and make space to share stories, best practices, nightmares, and other truths to support each other however they need.

She said hopes to launch these getaways by the end of the year.