Golis: Fatherly advice: It helps when you like your kids

On Father’s Day, we celebrate the pleasures of watching our sons and daughters grow up and find their own places in the world.

“It’s magic,” I wrote when my kids were young, “You and your children are bound together for a certain number of years before they begin their own lives. I couldn’t imagine passing the time away from them.”

As you can tell, I love being a father, even now that my kids are up and gone, living their own lives. This is what was supposed to happen, after all.

Now that they’re older, one of the unexpected joys of fatherhood is watching your children grow into loving moms and dads. It becomes a sign that the future will be OK.

As our family grows larger, we discover the pleasures of new and different connections. They can take care of themselves now — which was what their parents wanted all along. And so we are friends who share happy memories.

I feel fortunate to have been born into a generation in which fathers played a larger role in their children’s lives.

Our dads’ generation, survivors of the Depression and a world war, tended to be the strong, silent types. They worked hard, sacrificed and pretty much accepted the traditional roles of men and women, roles inherited from centuries of repetition. Dads were the breadwinners because that was what was expected of them.

And they were successful breadwinners. For better and worse, my generation came of age at a time of unprecedented prosperity. We were spoiled in some ways, but we also were blessed with opportunities not available to our parents’ generation, including opportunities to take a different path as parents.

When we were raising our children, male friends and I would talk about our determination to be closer to our kids and to spend more time with them. And so we did.

We didn’t do this because we were better people. We did it because we were lucky. We did it because we could, and because — in our heart of hearts — we wished we had a closer relationship with our own fathers.

We also spent more time with our children because it was so much damned fun.

I feel blessed to have had the opportunity. I became a better person, just trying not be a phony or a hypocrite.

If you pay attention, you can learn so much from your children — learn about curiosity and honesty and lack of pretension and fairness. You will be tested sometimes — raising kids can be hard work — but you’ll gain patience, humility and a sense of satisfaction like no other.

Along the way, this father developed certain subversive ideas about fatherhood. I know it’s presumptuous of me to share them here. Some of you will disagree. (My wife didn’t always agree either.) Take them for what they’re worth.

No. 1: If you like your kids, all things are possible. This isn’t as simple as it sounds. We all know parents who love their children but struggle to understand them and to be friends with them. It’s as if a Martian moved into the bedroom down the hall.

No. 2: Don’t fight with your kids over cleaning their rooms. That’s why doors were invented.

The corollary to No. 2 is No. 2A: Don’t fight with your kids over what they wear to school. One of mine wore pajama bottoms to school once, and he turned out OK.

I can hear you. You think I’m being permissive. Maybe.

But that brings us to No. 3: If you want your kids to be trustworthy, you need to trust them.

No. 4: Don’t pretend you’re something you’re not. If you’re faking it, they will find out soon enough, and then they’ll wonder what else you’ve told them isn’t true.

No. 5: Take credit for your kid’s successes and you risk being blamed when they mess up. Do the best you can, and accept what comes along. Kids will be who they’re going to be. The truth is, my kids were a lot more responsible than I was at their age, and I have no idea why.

No. 6: When you can, eat dinner together. It’s a time for sharing ideas, arguments, stories and the occasional trash talk. When they get older, this doesn’t change, except that your kids won’t cut you any slack.

No. 7: Love them, but understand your job will be to send them away when the time comes.

Now they’re busy pursuing new lives with their own spouses and kids, and Jill and I are busy enjoying life as empty nesters. By the way, life after the kids are gone is terrific. I recommend it.

I warn you. The time goes quickly. Enjoy your kids now because you’ll look up one day and they’ll be gone.

Happy Father’s Day, everyone, and thanks to my kids for the unbelievable joy they brought into my life.

Pete Golis is a columnist for The Press Democrat. Email him at golispd@gmail.com.

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