Giants outfielder has lewdest batting stance in baseball

You're probably familiar with that KNBR Giants promo that starts with an excited voice rattling off the names of players with cool nicknames.

"Fear the Beard, Pat the Bat, Ross is Boss ..."

Not to mention "The Freak" and "Panda" and Aubrey Huff, so secure in his masculinity that he turned wearing a thong into a macho clubhouse good-luck charm and who, during the Giants' World Series victory parade day last November, reached deep into the front of his jeans, rooted around a while and produced said piece of underwear to the delight of the huge celebrating crowd — a thong for the throng, as it were.

Yeah, no doubt about it, the Giants are a colorful group, made even more adorable, of course, by the fact that they're defending World Series champions and in first place in the middle of July.

Which is why it's a shame Aaron Rowand doesn't have a clever nickname, because he sure does have an eye-popping, jaw-dropping, good taste-defying batting stance.

But neither "Aaron" nor "Rowand" rhymes with "rude," "crude" or "lewd." Although, come to think of it, since "rude," "crude" and "lewd" themselves rhyme, you'd think someone in the Giants organization or at KNBR could come up with something. "Rude Rowand" at least has alliteration. "Crude, lewd, rude Rowand"? It combines alliteration with triple rhyming, but I don't know. Something's missing, don't you think?

You've seen that thing, Rowand's batting stance. Of course you have. If you've ever watched a Giants game in person or on TV, you've seen it. (Alas, KNBR's broadcasts, as wonderful as they are with the incomparable Jon Miller at the radio mike, can't show us Rowand's batting stance.) You might have to clear the room or cover the eyes of womenfolk and small children when Rowand comes up to bat, but you've seen it. And well, as you know, Rowand's batting stance is in a class (or is it crass?) by itself.

First, as he settles, bowlegged, in the batter's box, he does some sort of retro homage to Elvis the Pelvis (now there was a nickname) as he bends his knees and seems to slowly gyrate his hips.

Then he holds his bat outward, at groin level, parallel to the ground.

And then he wags the bat, slowly, while continuing to stand bowlegged and undulate his hips.

And this goes on for ... well, a beat too long to avoid an NC-17 rating if it were a movie.

It makes one wonder if poor Roger McDowell, the Atlanta Braves pitching coach who earlier in the season was reprimanded for mimicking certain behavior that might not be legal in all 50 states regardless of the age or consent of the participants, was merely trying to demonstrate Rowand's batting stance.

Now Rowand isn't the first player to have an unusual or provocative batting stance. Those of us of a certain age can remember Stan Musial, with his feet closer together than most batters, bending from the waist and sort of giving his backside a little shake, rattle and roll while waiting for the first pitch.

And Rocky Colavito used to point his bat right at the pitcher, and hold that pose until the pitcher began his windup.

Jesus Alou used to get in the batter's box and do an inventive impression of Jack LaLanne, going through a complex repertoire of neck stretching and shoulder rolling.

And a Phillies catcher named Stan Lopata and Braves outfielder Wes Covington used to crouch down so low, you'd think there was a rule banning batters taller than 4? feet.

And even today, Pablo Sandoval, the aforementioned Panda, does a variation on Colavito's stance. But whereas Rocky gripped the bat with both hands as he took dead aim at the pitcher, Sandoval holds his bat with one hand; and although he's still pointing at the pitcher, the bat is pointing skyward.

Yeah, Rowand's stance is one of the all-time originals. And sure, it's completely harmless. But come on. It's rude, crude, lewd and darn funny, too, and to pretend it isn't is like pretending the Giants aren't the weakest-hitting first-place team since the 1965 Dodgers.

Robert Rubino can be reached at robert.rubino@pressdemocrat.com. His Old School blog is at http://oldschool.blogs.pressdemocrat.com