America, it is time to heal. Never has our country been more divided, our citizens angrier or more suspicious of one another. The greatest nation in the world is teetering, and the threat is not from outside — it is from within. We are tearing ourselves apart.
But it is not too late, comrades. We can still come together and join hands as one. All we need is a unifying cause. So please join me today in denouncing the New England Patriots.
We agree on virtually nothing anymore. We argue about the veracity of mainstream media, about guns, about the FBI, about gender pronouns, about whether a hot dog is a sandwich and the dress is blue or gold. But can’t we find harmony on this one issue? Can’t we all root for the Eagles today in Super Bowl LII?
A lot of people are painting this matchup as a symbol of our fractious politics. The “woke” Eagles feature defensive end Chris Long, noted progressive and recent winner of the NFLPA’s Byron “Whizzer” White Award, and cornerback Malcolm Jenkins, who led the delegation of players that defended pregame protests and demanded social commitment from the NFL. Meanwhile, the three most prominent Patriots — team owner Robert Kraft, head coach Bill Belichick and quarterback Tom Brady — are all loosely affiliated with President MAGA.
But this is a false narrative. I’m sure plenty of Patriots are in the resistance, and that some Eagles hate Muslims. This goes beyond politics, and beyond culture. Hating the New England Patriots should be universal.
The Patriots aren’t evil. No, they just win too much. And they’re annoying as hell, and becoming more so annually.
Start with Belichick. He’s the greatest coach in NFL history. He has his team in the Super Bowl for the eighth time in 17 years, with a chance to win his sixth ring. And yet no one has ever been so outwardly miserable. Belichick mumbles and glares his way through every press conference. He conducts himself with the air of a battlefield surgeon who is being delayed for an interview when he could be operating to remove shrapnel. This would be fine if he were, indeed, saving lives off-camera, rather than watching cut-up videotape of an opponent’s kickoff returns.
Belichick is famous for treating his players like disposable razors rather than full-fledged humans. After the Patriots roared back from a 25-point deficit to stun the Falcons and win last year’s Super Bowl, Belichick tried to rile up the crowd at the celebratory Boston parade with a chant of “No days off!” This whip-cracking slogan was an odd choice to yell at thousands of people who were literally taking the day off to hear him on a Tuesday.
And let’s talk about Tom Brady for a moment. Brady should be a likeable guy. He’s a Bay Area native who entered the NFL as a sixth-round draft pick and made himself into the dominant quarterback of his generation, and maybe all generations. He smiles a lot and has never, as far as I know, done anything terrible.
So why does Brady get so far under my skin? First of all, the guy is just too perfect. The cheekbones and the chin dimple and the supermodel wife and the fourth-quarter passer rating — give us a break, dude.